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Nothing Ruins Christmas Like Shopping
He is here. At my front door again. We spent two nights together. And now, the adorable fucker always comes back. And he just sits there. Looking so damn cute. That’s how he sucked me in the first...
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Top 6 Reasons Not to Have Kids
“So, what’s going on?” my neighbor said to my 8-year-old nephew as we walked up my driveway. [Look, Lady. Stop talking to the kid. I never know what the hell he’s going to say.] Here is the situation:...
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Thinking is hard. Let’s have bad sex.
At first, I want you. I really, really want you. And I am just like any other stalker. Diligent. Methodical. And lookin’ your ass up on the internet. Like every day. Studying you. I imagine touching...
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The Magic Bottle
“Did you know there is a bug in your back window? Don’t you ever clean your car?” my nephew, Mikie, proclaimed from the back seat of my 2000 Toyota Corolla. “I don’t know anything about the back seat....
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Doing Crap That Worked in 2012
I don’t understand people who brag about working all day at work. What for? “I was up until 2 a.m.” or “I never take lunch,” they say. Whatever, dude. At 2 a.m. my cat is sleeping on my neck. And at...
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Proper Pervert
He is staring at my tits. Yawn. So been there, so done that. Yet another perk of having DD-cup breasts, not to be outdone by other nifty benefits like: having an automatic napkin to catch crumbs and...
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The Only Penis That Turns Me On
Shh… I’m at work. Don’t tell anyone I am reading a blog by some dude crushing on his penis. [Gotta love the interwebs, baby!] I don’t want penises anywhere near my body. But if you wanna write about...
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How Hard Could It Be?
It’s a teeny tiny hole. That’s it. Who knew a teeny tiny hole could be such a huge pain in my ass? “See it? Right there,” the forensic engineer from my insurance company is pointing to a microscopic...
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Farting in Bed
Sigh. He is farting. In bed. I guess I should feel special. Because he likes to sit right next to my head when he does it. Isn’t that sweet? He’s been cranky since the day I met him. So when he started...
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Too Much Nipple
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you fall asleep naked on your laminate floor. And when you wake up, your cat is licking your nipple. [Yes, the one on the friggin' breasticle?!] Okay. Let me back...
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Drag Queens Are Always Right
Sigh. This is why I don’t arrive early to work meetings or want to talk to these assholes in general… Every conversation turns into a combination of The Hunger Games and the 1980′s soap opera, Dynasty....
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